hold on to that feeling...

The following is a writing assignment to think of a specific example when I choose to deny my freedom because of social norms. Honestly I could probably to better at denying my freedom at times- my daughter would certainly agree with this, in regards to my clothing choices, which don't necessarily agree with the social norms of a junior high student. And I could really learn to not talk so much at certain times, but the desire to change those isn't really there.

Desires and Impulses I Freely Choose not to Act On:

One of the times in life that I feel most free is when I am driving, not in backed-up traffic or during rush hour, but more the Sunday driving or not really in a hurry to get somewhere type of driving, or if I am in a hurry I am able to drive there efficiently. I really love to listen to music while I am driving my car, often flipping though the stations to find a song that expresses the feeling that I am having of freedom. For example, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on the radio. I would find it nearly impossible to not to sing along. So there I am, driving down the road in an experience of my fullest feeling freedom. Then I come to stoplight. There is a car next to me stopped at the light with their windows rolled down. The driver, who I have never seen before, or at least I don’t recognize, glances my way. I suddenly find myself snapped out of my experience and see myself from the other car. I turn down my radio and quit singing. I bottle up my experience and look straight ahead.

When trying to think of something, I choose not to act on, which are many things, most I feel I choose to restrain myself out of a projected consequence. Like maybe I want to go dancing one night, but I feel like it is a possibility that I would run into one of my students and would potentially lose respect, a gained essence I would like to sustain. Thoughts go through my head like my students won’t take me seriously, I would be embarrassed to see them and then uncomfortable in class.  In any case the risk of consequence direct or indirect, outweigh, or overpower my decision or desire.

In any case, even with my choice to quit singing, which was the most irrational I could think of, my decision to quit acting “freely” is because of the presence of another person and my projection on how I might appear to them. And frankly why do I care if some stranger next to me hears me sing and thinks am weird or an awful singer?  But I choose to not want to draw attention to myself. Perhaps I am interrupting their experience they are having driving down the road. Maybe they are listening to NPR, and I and an unwelcome intrusion.