THE BADGER DREAM LOG ORIGINAL

January 13, 2009

Mid dream awareness

sifting through a trunk looking for new earrings, 

most were of broken hearts. 

I thought they were too dramatic. 

I sprayed my self with some aroma therapy mist, 

It was orange and pink in appearance.  

I found a badger jacket. 

I put it on and went about my way 

out on a journey

Walking towards water 

the rest is hazy 

and I was sad.

Badger Animal Medicine. “enough is, enough, I am taking charge”

Laundry by Candelight

I didn't see it coming

The cave under the bridge just on the edge of town,

A diner light with neon yellow lights.

Filled with the smells of various forms of fear,

It's not where I intended to end up.

A chasm, the fissure is clear!

What it means for the future is uncertain.

Regardless of the forlorn reality,

The diner and it's forgotten dream.

It still felt like home that night.

Something about the land was strangely familiar,

There were good things in the air too,

I went outside, plugged my nose and breathed them in.

I was told not to worry, there is a standing reserve.

Freedom Today

What is freedom to me:

thinking back to,

A man in a cave

100,000 years ago

felt truly free when was he was without of fear.

This is me today ,

This is financial security:

A roof over my head.

Food, clean water and heathcare

This world wants

Is consciously trying to offer

The security of corporate America

This walls are starting to fall away

All structures straining under their pressure!

No real stability has it anymore, to offer.

It’s an offer of struggle

Struggle long enough, hard enough and,

You’ll make it.

You’ll be safe.

You’’ll be warm.

You will be well fed, clean and hydrated.

Everyone will.

Upward Levelling

If only you could make it.

The embodied finite: the here and now

Is what we in now,
Is it what matters now?
The matter we are now in
It's correspondence to eternity
Is the question now.
To question now,
The possibility,
Each moment a trial?
Each raised conclusion, raised on one's own,
Is up for debate, within.
There is no solidity even in solidarity,
The entropy has ensued.
We resign our selves to hope,
We believe and trust in emergent truth
Emergent order will emerge and will endure?
Assuming one believes in emergent order?
And assuming one believes in infinity?
Assuming one believes in truth?
Leaving us to question and find the answers
To answer for ourselves, to ourselves
What is truth.

It hasn't even been a week

I am studying science

Studying the essence of structures

One probably shouldn't use words 

If one is unclear of their meaning

Clarifying for the sake of clarifying

structures of natural formations

the line is getting fuzzier now

This began as an in depth search

A study of geometry 

of the secular and the spiritual

Inspired by the way things are tied together

A search for the Metapattern

Setting up a place for connection

in a place that elsewhere would be illegal

The human body listens for the ocean

with a seashell to the ear

an exterior symmetry to the interior cochlea 

stay in that space that waves oscillate

One must find this empirical knowledge

It must be objective right?

right

Distill nature to it's essential structures

With infinite variation, within a finite set

What is left to be known?

Within the experiment

It's a matter of matter

Back to the bridge

picking up somewhere I left off
this time I am going to do things different
Simplify, Condense, Distill
I am going to glean my concepts
and only keep the best parts

I voice uttered across the room
seemingly directed at me-
"You are just tired of people"
"yes"- I replied but was not really aware of that truth,
I am tired of people,
but it's not as bad as it used to be.
Maybe I am just surrounded by better people now

Back to the doctor,
Doctor Kevorkian and Kurt Vonnegut
Hell is other people
What an unfortunate concept
Still right now
it's about the searching

Nature as expression!
Ok, I see what your saying
I will return too
Bridge end

But why not continue searching,
better to stay moving on this journey
I most definitely have a fear of stagnancy
of putrid still waters
teaming with foulness
better to keep moving

A journal of the journey
this is why I should approach each new piece
a new experience, a new emotion

February 11

Happy birthday mom
I had a dream she died last night
on her birthday
Today I am righting this
She is having a stress test done
To see if her heart is working right

I have mixed feelings on that matter
If her heart is working right
How does one know if their hear is working right
let alone that of another, of your mother?

It's fine really, let's keep things professional today

In my dream I recall her
frantically the way she tried to show her love
to others, to our family

I just called her to wish her a happy birthday
She told me a story
about a Valentine's game
that the kids at the preschool played today
She calls out.
"Cupid, Cupid, who has your heart?!"

I think I am dying
caused by years of random ailments
all teaming together to suddenly bring about my demise

I suddenly notice my extremely sore back
this isn't helping
I try to be grateful that I am not 93, yet.
Be that the case and I would certainly have a broken hip.

You are determining your course
showing me the same place
but it is not as beautiful as before
I have seen better representations of the same place
better than what you tried to show me
I am left to make my own decision

I met him as I was closing an article I was reading about him
He wasn't impressed

bridges

I was pleased to see the three spotted zebras
leading your heart not your mind
within the limitations of infinite possibilities
I asked you, what is the source of your delight?

I can tell you one thing,
that object and artifacts of natural causes
are to me the of highest delight
or is it the contemplation thereof?

I remember reading this, and couldn't agree more
now I couldn't agree less
"hell is other people"
God Bless you, thank you

In the present moment,
I am sorry I forgot to ask how you were doing?
Feeling free in body
and free in my mind
strong enough to be fragile.
That may be the bravery I need.

"This is just the first little burst!"
But there is plenty on the way
Things are looking under control
As much as they can be for now

accepting fragility
our fragility
don't try to be right this time.
Just be. respond intuitively
An interlude of thoughts
New faces the same song
now it doesn't even seem real

edited...and to be continued, part one

Silence
Somethings are better not knowing.
you have your freedom, now
what was it you were going to do with it?
innocent men are set free after twenty years

suddenly, after fifty years
finally wake up
but only for a moment,
and only to be left confused and fall back asleep

somehow he maintained his sanity
I am not sure I have regained mine
yet, a new day
It was a misty morning.
a girl with the blue eyes spoke,
"maybe you don't need the whole story?"
 forget about it, I shrugged
 and with a sigh I boarded the train,
they still didn't understand.

the totality of experience!
shit, the train derailed,
listening to some Signur Ros should help get some things back on track
each step gets louder now
its your time in space!
to know that now doesn't seem to make it any easier.

I wondered why there was a man with a top hat in my shoe
it didn't make any sense
does she enjoy that?
I don't remember,
I wish I did
Talk about time lost!
I remember thinking,
Oh, those dreams!
they take me to the dusk grey,
moist dew grass,
all within a small subtle color change
all happening so fast.
I set out to go look for it
I liked the zebra a lot
"you did not say no"
Yes, I did say no
I said it
For the first time
I would know.

So, I guess I should establish myself in new ways.
I still have to look at the keyboard when I type
My hands aren't as shaky as they used to be

Why do they find those things so amusing
It has ALWAYS been in the same spot
spot on
broke her spot
Do wash your face before bed?

Ode to discipline
discipline myself
A subtle color change
I keep looking in the same spot
It looks like that misty mossy morning,
you remember the one?
but it is not.

Stop ripping things apart
There, it's open now
You should crawl in, head first!

The thought crossed my mind
What if the sheep were really all those colors
like the ones on the towel she brought me back form Ireland?

my grandfathers ashes are there now,
well at least some of them the ones that didn't mistakenly end up in my possession
and then sat on my dashboard for entirely too long

my daughter is home, sick in bed
I don't even know where my phone is
I am getting worried that I am addicted to information
I get anxious when I don't have new information
Some thoughts really aren't worth having
That doesn't mean they'll stop

Shit, I had something to do here
Now I don't remember.
This is ALWAYS happening
Oh yes, this and the movie,
I remember now

The stripes are distracting
He told me her name as if I should have already known
I am sorry I am terrible with names

However, I hadn't thought of it that way.
What did he call me again?
I don't remember of course, but it was a good one.

It doesn't seem to be thinking?!
You are right,
we SHOULD feel ashamed
not them, us,
I do.
I don't know where the other thing was that I needed!
It will show up at the right time, it always does.
(it doesn't stop the worry)

Just throw the gross part away!
She replies,
"it is JUST like a mutant"
even more reason to throw it away!
or save it in a  safe, sanitary place as a specimen?
maybe that is just the answer,
She just went on ahead
and ate the rest

Playing the music of things
the joy of discovering
On freedom again
trying to be free, FREE

What do other people do?
what other people do.
I wish she would quit talking to me
Sometimes I would just like to concentrate
Give me a minute, just a minute, please
Clear now. Clearer even still.
yes, yes, but what is it exactly you are clear on?
Oh, quit taking so long to think

There comes a time
and then there is nought
nothing/nothingness, always dying

That is exactly the same thing I stumbled upon
You just reached in and grabbed it first
I was so busy that I almost didn't notice

another subtle color change, a darker shade of blue now

The angry old woman
She is sitting at the coffee shop
wearing a saturated shade of pink on her lips
it is running into the wrinkles extending from her mouth.
She carefully takes a sip of her coffee
delicately holding the cup
her pinky extends in the air
Looking out of the cafe window at the rainy cold day
She is glad she isn't out there
She stares and wonders, and thinks:
Information cannot be destroyed.
she is sure of that one thing

I find the whole thing highly questionable
So many activities to scrutinize
In there, somewhere, somewhere
In there where you are

Thank you, I was thinking that all along anyway
We should just keep moving forward
If you people would really just take a moment and listen to yourselves
listen logically.
you would understand that it really doesn't make any sense!
What does "information loss" even mean?
Well, it doesn't matter because it is not true anyway.
Instead of entropy, you offer up a fully formed solid mass
Complete in every way, always finished!
I think its all going to go all the way away anyway, so what does it matter?
Now, we have the third dimension turning into flatness.
You are really just trying to lose me, aren't you?
Fine I am gone
I just have to offer up before I go, that I thought this could really have been a good thing for us
Information that would feed our cause,
But, what was our cause?
Shit ,I keep forgetting the name.
Oh yes, our time in space!
What a clear picture we shall have!

A billion, billion times smaller than a proton
So would this be the ultimate base material?
Now the neutrinos are moving faster than light
Who knows maybe they just gained momentum for awhile.?
This could very well be a temporary condition.
They are passing through our fingernails now.
Gleaning us for information to send to the past, or the future
What difference will it make?

So share my thoughts with him on this matter of matter.
He never replied
But he did inform me that if I am going hope to have any authority
That I need to zip my fly before addressing the crowd

The trail of breadcrumbs lead me to the door outside
and screaming girls
Thank God I had some old receipts in my pockets
I put them in my mouth and chew them
into a mushy yet somewhat still cohesive pulp
Then I stuck it in my ears.
I could still hear everything, but it helped
she rolled her eyes at me in disgust and kept screaming

I can never remember everything all of the time
Not everything is of imperative importance!
Oh it is such a lovely place, a bit rugged
A rough and ragged place
in a different reality

I don't know if I can just sit and watch this anymore
This is Horrible
I would prefer to do it right next time, assuming there is a next time

Sometimes I type without looking
I think then I make more mistakes
Best just to take a glance down once in a while

Ok, I am going to say it.
I am going to do it right next time
definitive
This means I will need to be brave
Brave, not just meaning strong this time around.

I think that my cats turned on the radio while I was gone
This seems like something they would do
You know, I am really glad to not be part of everything
Still I am part of something

It sounds like the neighbor is singing
They should be embarrassed but they have no idea
Maybe there is a party or something going on outside

It's better than the time when I was recording and owl
and ended up recording my neighbors having sex
I told you about that
I think it is a radio this time
It's playing Country music

blubbering shits
that is disgusting

Permance-
now isn't that something of beauty
that is which is of such desire and completely unattainable
in its completeness that is
It is always easier to accept when you understand
such a strange experience

listening to him blow his noise on the radio
I certainly wasn't expecting that
I wasn't expecting to hear my neighbors having sex either
shit
What I really need to figure out now is is how do we sustain this?
Can we sustain this? Should we sustain this?
Our efforts seem ultimately in vain
(The music suddenly gets louder)
I just remembered someone that I keep forgetting
It is rather embarrassing you know, when your memory fails
Space exhausted on the internal hard drive, forgot to back up the files again

We will discuss this further at a later time, more indepth
you can be sure of it.

The rain, I am always trying to capture that.
that would be something to sustain
its on the to do list.
speaking of which, I should really be going

I haven't looked at you, or for you, for awhile
more vain quests
If I look at you again
It will be an accident
A coincidence
nothing more , nothing less
If the accident will
Magnolia, great, that again.
It was after all, that which was
accidentally,
is starting again.

It was that which was actually me
with that that is actually you
Accidentally or not
all thoughts aside
My internal vision is shorting out
It has been overgrown in an instant
with foliage

I guess it was just because there was space in the first place
Well the first path is forged
A reasonable degree of progress
I should be satisfied they say
Just a little more room, I beg of you
The music keeps playing
And I need to go home for the night

freedom...freedom...freedom...

from the land of the free...

We live in the Land of the free. We value our freedom above all things. We by express our freedom often at the expense of others. We grasp tightly to it rights and liberties that it offers us. 

This is an interesting state of things considering the rising trend in philosophy that tells us that free will does not even exist. I certainly don't think that we have full freedom and I also don't believe that we are purely determined. I am not sure why this issue is a black or white issue. 

I believe that I have certain freedoms, and I have certain limitation. I believe that I can work to remove some of these limitations or perhaps restraining myself from expressing every freedom, creating limitations is of more value? We do have many freedoms in this country that others do not have. We live in a society where the value of asserting your individuality is prized above all things. I worked for a company, doing in home care, working with individuals who had suffered from traumatic brain injury and were therefore no longer able to care for themselves. The structure for this program was based on the desire to create a life where the victims of TBI, were allowed to live more like individuals instead of in an institution. There were three men in an apartment staffed 24/7 by a caregiver. In theory and in the beginning I really supported this idea. And when this program was initially started I believe the intentions were different that the way things eventually evolved. When the program was started it seemed to be more about creating a "family" for people with extreme care needs. The caregivers and receivers would forge meaningful relationship that would last over time. Giving the person of needs a sense of stability and freedom, and living a "normal" life.
Unfortunately this ideal hasn't carried over into the way things run. Caregivers rotate in and out of peoples life. The individuals live in small groups about three to an apartment. Often living with people they don't particularly care for or get along with. On a daily basis usually only interact with the caregivers and their housemates. So this intention of allowing for these individuals to live independent lives leaves them and their caregivers with a feeling of isolation.
I feel often that this original intention/desire for freedom, to live a free, independent life not only in this sense but in the greater sense of society, wee too are often left feeling isolated and without community. One thing after this experience and reflecting on my own life experience is how much more greatly I value being part of a community. And to backtrack, I don't think that within the caregiving experience we should revert to institutions, I do strongly feel that the best gift we can give to people living and working in these situations, is community and is in need of fresh ideas to make this happen.

Infinity-Nothing-randomly cohesive

• Experience of Connection with text vs. Analytic Critique of formal prose

-unity and self disintegration

"why" finds no answer, lack of justifiers

 - Nietzsche 

Will to Power- notes: 

4.Advantage of Christian 

-moral hypothesis-grants man an absolute value as opposed to transient, meaningless existence.

-morality as antidote against practical theoretical nihilism.

-truthfulness cultivated by nihilism 

6."Insofar as we believe in morality we pass sentence on existence"

-universe as transitional stage

-pessimism as analytic 

-value judgements are ways of turning one's back on the will of existence

11. problem-what is morality

-nihilism as state of mind, product of searching for meaning and not finding it, aims at nothing and finds nothing.

+ (faith in meaning although at times it appears meaningless, process of becoming as meaning)+

unity-form of monism, infinitely valuable whole

12. passing sentence on this whole world of becoming as deception invent a world beyond, a true world, disbelief in any metaphysical world.

+(aim of science, unified theory of being?)+

13. Categories of reason. Man's hyperbolic naivety -positing himself as the meaning and measure of the value of things.

+(a Christian would not posit himself as such, but rather posit the Messiah, God's grace, as the measure and meaning of things)+

13.hypothesis of nihilism- there is no truth, there is no absolute nature of thing nor a "thing it itself" 

+(art history talk, desire in contemporary art for not the thing that points but, a "thing in itself, side thought)+

-lack of any reality, not true world no truth

15. belief, "every belief is a considering something true."  Nietzsche is posing that we are desiring that we need a narrower abbreviated simplified world..

+(We can believe in a truthful world, w/o empirical knowledge of such, faith)+

+(Current state of things seems to be that through the plenitude of ideals presented to man, in our modern age, the individual is left to wrestle with his subjectivity, and can pick and choose, with help of his imagination which ideals are most suited to aim his life towards-this may or may not be an illusion.

I believe there is a truth and this truth of an infinite nature is surely incomprehensible to me, in my finite faculties. I trust that aiming, through self reflection, analytic fist and foremost of my subjective accepted realities, striving for truth, accepting that i may never get there, but, in the words of David Dunlap, I am "trusting in a far shore". This is not a disregard of other for we must face the reality of the "other" and come to terms with our juxtaposition to others. I must come to terms with my current state of finiteness and feel I can come to know quite thoroughly the totality of the "other"-which may or may not be true. With my subjective stance regarding this one could never really assert to fully know the other. But certainly can more clearly know the totality of a finite being compared to that of an infinite being. I accept that my finite faculties, can not have complete access to thee knowledge of the infinite. However I can trust and believe that in it's existence, and striving forward can have hopes in this realm but a hope in the understanding of knowledge of and infinite unity would require part of me to be of infinite nature.)+

+(In regards to ideals, I have seen beauty)+

+(death, suffering- unideal / (objective) nature/life- ideal)+

+(a true reality, a thing in itself, a thing that doesn't point to something else. Nature, life IS. God say's I AM.)

+(a faith w/o a why-letting the why drop.)

hold on to that feeling...

The following is a writing assignment to think of a specific example when I choose to deny my freedom because of social norms. Honestly I could probably to better at denying my freedom at times- my daughter would certainly agree with this, in regards to my clothing choices, which don't necessarily agree with the social norms of a junior high student. And I could really learn to not talk so much at certain times, but the desire to change those isn't really there.

Desires and Impulses I Freely Choose not to Act On:

One of the times in life that I feel most free is when I am driving, not in backed-up traffic or during rush hour, but more the Sunday driving or not really in a hurry to get somewhere type of driving, or if I am in a hurry I am able to drive there efficiently. I really love to listen to music while I am driving my car, often flipping though the stations to find a song that expresses the feeling that I am having of freedom. For example, Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on the radio. I would find it nearly impossible to not to sing along. So there I am, driving down the road in an experience of my fullest feeling freedom. Then I come to stoplight. There is a car next to me stopped at the light with their windows rolled down. The driver, who I have never seen before, or at least I don’t recognize, glances my way. I suddenly find myself snapped out of my experience and see myself from the other car. I turn down my radio and quit singing. I bottle up my experience and look straight ahead.

When trying to think of something, I choose not to act on, which are many things, most I feel I choose to restrain myself out of a projected consequence. Like maybe I want to go dancing one night, but I feel like it is a possibility that I would run into one of my students and would potentially lose respect, a gained essence I would like to sustain. Thoughts go through my head like my students won’t take me seriously, I would be embarrassed to see them and then uncomfortable in class.  In any case the risk of consequence direct or indirect, outweigh, or overpower my decision or desire.

In any case, even with my choice to quit singing, which was the most irrational I could think of, my decision to quit acting “freely” is because of the presence of another person and my projection on how I might appear to them. And frankly why do I care if some stranger next to me hears me sing and thinks am weird or an awful singer?  But I choose to not want to draw attention to myself. Perhaps I am interrupting their experience they are having driving down the road. Maybe they are listening to NPR, and I and an unwelcome intrusion.

Just Another Day in Fallen Paradise

 Reflections on excerpts from "The Humanism of Existentialism"

-Contemplation is referred to as a luxury. My question would be, what intellectual activity, activity in general that is not aiding one's survival or the survival of others not in fact a luxury activity?

-we have the problem of the human as individual vs human solidarity.
one could ask if either of these are able to be considered on their own as binary

• I am aware that I think that I am. I believe that "you" think that "I" am as well as I think (believe) that "you" are(exist) I assume that we automatically feel this way. We are faced in philosophy with the choice to believe anything exist. I rather choose to believe or automatically believe this to be true. 
• Even when I am not thinking I still exist.

Sartre's criticism of a Christian existentialist- is that a Christian is are incapable of condemning points of view and acts of others.  

A Christian is warned in the bible not to judge, this seems pretty clear. Maybe because we are incapable of accurately judging. If we judge one can escape pure subjectivity by becoming aware of our subjective viewpoint, and aware that we do not have total knowledge of that which we are judging. Only God can "know" a man's heart. Therefore only God can make an honest judgement of another and this knowledge of the "other(individual)" is unattainable from man to man. In this respect the subjective exists, and to not able to transcend completely. One can never know completely the subjective experience of another.  This is stated in regards to the definition of mankind and good and evil- not for the management of society.

"Any action that doesn't conform to humanity is seen as romantic"    - a criticism of existentialism.

Common ground of Atheistic and Christian Existentialist: Existence precedes essence. Or subjectivity must be the starting point.

Sartre presents us with the paper cutter analogy: as in the invention/existence of the paper cutter as an analogy for the existence of man.

"We have here a technical view of the world whereby it can be said that production precedes existence" -Sartre

"When God creates he knows exactly what his is creating"- viewpoint of Descartes/Leibniz

• we cannot claim to know this unless we claim to know God and know what God knows.

This writing was interrupted due to the fact I was not feeling well physically and it was affecting my ability to think clearly and I was unable to will myself better.

Sartre presents us with the relationship of man creating a paper cutter to God creating man.
I think that this is an interesting thing to deconstruct.
Man creates the paper cutter out of a desire, a need to be more efficient at cutting paper. Before this need or desire would arise, there would be preexisting conditions present man with this desire. Man would conceive and then create the paper cutter from pre-existing materials.
Man also creates music and art out of different pre-existing materials, but this seems to be clearly to me a different utility.

• Man as God's artistic expression?
• Man as God's utilitarian object?

"On the universal concept of man" pg.292

• Instead of this existed before that, rather I feel that both man and his essence are evolving over time. There is no fixed template so to say. Especially if one believes in evolution. We are now then in the bracket of "human kind" man as we know now and can track back throughout history. At some point looking back we cut off, mark a point in time in which man evolved. One could assume then looking forward and following the trajectory there may be another point in time where out definition of just the structure of man, is not what we see it to be defined by today. And certainly our environment is changing- speaking here of the human's relationship to the environment, the comforts of modern life. Why would we assume that this form would no longer continue to evolve unless we would accept that man is the "end-all" of the evolution goal. In this scenario the Singularity Theory seems quite plausible. 

• God as a fixed entity-man as floating
• Man as prenominal? Binominal? postnominal?
• Evolution + Sartre = infinite regress

Mankind as concept preceding existence?

Individual as concept preceding existence?

"In choosing myself I choose man"

Anguish and Action:

While Sartre tells us that we feel anguish over our free-will, "we are condemned to be free"- this anguish he states is not over our own lives but that we feel anguish over our responsibility for man-kind. 

I think so far that the only thing this could mean to Sartre- not being able to transcend his subjectivity (at all?) Would be that we feel anguish because through our actions we are forming our personal definition for ourselves and for all of mankind, forming our definition, creating our template for how we perceive and answer the question to ourselves-"what is mankind?"

• Individual identity
• Identity of mankind

Back to the Christian Existentialist for a moment: and awareness

-this came up in class discussing whether or not a Christian could be an existentialist:

with regards to the fall of man and the original sin.

In regards to my interpretation of "the fall" or original sin- here man used his free will to choose, and in choosing he became self-aware. And now man-kind, instead of being born into a state of innocence we are now born into a state of evil, by nature we are evil, and have the free will to choose good.

So far- I still believe in free will but I don't believe that the answer to the question - Do we have free will?, Is not a yes or no question.

                    

Existentialism: Day One

• 
  

Day One:

Descartes-

Cognito -(disagree mostly?)

first person perspective (important, necessity for a validation of being, of one's existence/experience?)
subjectivity (the experience of individual in a certain space and time-sujected to pre-existing conditions, ie. physicality?)

Thoughts I had during class:

• You've got to believe in something even if it is nothing.
• In conversation we are witnessing another's experience of our projected experience.
• (write a book that you must choose a path and turn to page "12" or "33")-added to my personal to do list

• I choose to believe I exist- being that I am faced with a choice, I am sure some people wouldn't think to think if they exist or not. I still think those people exist too.

• I choose to believe that I am having an experience that I am an active participant in.
• I believe that there is an/are a degree/degrees of objective reality.

Thoughts on freedom:

• An image of static comes to mind where our freedom is so mixed into systems that are not completely free, including our own bodies.
• I do believe in a degree/degrees of relative freedom within the systems that we are subjected too, that we find ourselves existing in currently, some by our choice some outside our control.
• Some people have different degrees of freedom, based on their physical bodies and/or mental health- both which may be affected by experience.

• I often feel trapped, I often feel free. I am not sure if my experience of freedom is felt more strongly when I am making "decisions", say about a life trajectory. I think would I would call my experience of freedom is something else entirely.
• I believe that I can be aware of my subjectivity and objectivity at the same time. The example of watching a sunset, was given. I can be aware that my point of view- position in the universe, on this planet is unique and is causing me to experience the sunset as I do. I can be aware from another perspective this is an entirely different phenomenon. At what point would one say that it is no longer an "illusion"? There is the problem of getting outside of the system all together arises.Back to my experience of the sunset- Subjective experience wins, in my mind. When I remember, or think I remember a sunset, even if one believes that each memory is an invention(here could one say that each word is an invention-sorry digression) I visually remember my subjective experience, I sometimes remember thoughts I had during that subjective experience too.

• Feels like the sum of this turns into white noise, or maybe that is because I am sitting by a fan.

• Thinking in words.